Mystery Valentine
by Wedjat
Summary: Cartman receives nothing on Valentine's Day except an anonymous card in his locker.  Instead of just appreciating it like a normal kid, he launches into a full blown investigation to discover who it was that gave it to him.
1. That Was a Good One!

**A/N: **I had this random idea today in class. I know that Valentine's Day has passed already and I have two other stories I need to finish, but I wanted to get this out there. I know this first chapter is short, but I hope you guys enjoy! Reviews are appreciated!

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><p>Cartman rolled his eyes as he looked around at everyone's Valentine's bags taped up against the chalkboard. The classroom was buzzing with excitement over the holiday, each with their little bag of valentines. Cartman had brought some as well, but only because his mother made him.<p>

He sighed as he waited for Mr. Garrison to get on with the stupid holiday. Everyone knew that Valentine's Day sucked ass. Cartman looked over at Stan, who was staring at Wendy with that love struck look on his face. Cartman then looked over at Kenny, who was chatting up Red and Bebe at the same time. Damn that kid worked fast.

Kyle, however, looked just as bored as Cartman. Cartman could appreciate this, but it didn't really surprise him. No one could love a Jew. That was a fact. It was proven by science. Cartman was sure he had seen someone win a Nobel Prize for that.

Finally, Mr. Garrison came in. He looked rather annoyed, but he sat down at his desk and put on a smile for the class. "Happy Valentine's Day, kids. Now, please walk around and place all of your pointless pieces of paper that you paid good money for into the right sacks so we can get on with class."

Everyone got up and hurriedly started dropping valentines into the bags. Cartman took his time getting up and lazily walked towards the bags. He placed the correct valentine in each bag, except Kyle and Craig's. Kyle didn't get one. That's what he deserved for being Hebrew. Craig was just an asshole.

When they were all done, they sat back down. Mr. Garrison rested his chin on his palm and stared at the class. "Okay, now, by row you are going to go up there and grab your bag and quietly take it back to your seats."

Row one got up, which included Cartman. Cartman once again took his time. Everyone else grabbed their bags and hurried back to their seats and began looking through their valentines. Cartman was the last one from that row standing, and when he pulled his bag off the chalkboard, he turned to glare at the class.

"What the hell?" Cartman yelled.

Mr. Garrison frowned at him. "I said _quietly, _Eric! Now take your seat!"

Cartman gaped at Mr. Garrison. "I didn't get anything, Mr. Garrison. I didn't get _anything_."

"Maybe if you weren't such a dick all the time, you might have gotten something," Craig intoned nasally.

The class laughed, but Cartman was not amused. "Shut up Craig you fucking asshole! It's a wonder that you got anything!"

"Quiet, Eric! Back to your seat or I'll send you to the guidance counselor!" Mr. Garrison snapped angrily.

Cartman crossed his arms and stomped back to his seat. "Un-fucking-believable," he muttered under his breath as he sat down.

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><p>At lunch, the only difference in seating was that Stan sat with Wendy. Cartman dropped his tray onto the table and sat down without a word. Kenny and Kyle exchanged glances silently.<p>

"Hey, Cartman, you okay?" Kyle asked tentatively.

Cartman frowned. "Why wouldn't I be? Valentine's Day is a stupid holiday anyway."

Kyle shrugged. "You only took one pudding today, I was just wondering."

Cartman raised an eyebrow. "My God…you're right," Cartman laughed nervously and shook his head. "What was I _thinking?_"

Cartman hopped up and ran over to the lunch line to discretely snag another pudding. In his absence, Kyle and Kenny exchanged glances again.

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><p>After lunch, Cartman stopped by his locker to grab a few books for class. He spun the combination and then pulled it open, only to see a card resting on his books.<p>

"What the…?" Cartman wondered aloud as he snatched it up. He tore open the envelope, which was addressed to him, and pulled out a card with Terrance and Phillip on the front reading "I just wanted to tell you what I think of you this Valentine's Day…"

Cartman opened it, which triggered a farting noise along with laughs.

"That was a good one Terrance!" Phillip complimented in the recording.

"It sure was, Phillip!" Terrance replied.

Cartman stared down at the card. There was no name. All the inside of the card had in it were more pictures of the Canadian duo.

Cartman smirked. Someone gave him a valentine, and they wanted to keep it anonymous. Well, Cartman wouldn't have that. No way. Anonymous valentines were for pussies, and this person was going to fess up or get rooted out.


	2. False Accusations

**A/N: **Wow, after not working on fanfiction in months, I whipped up two chapters for two different stories in one day. I'm on a roll. Well a few suspects are removed from the list in this chapter so I hope you enjoy! Let me know what you think about the chapter and who this mystery person might be!

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><p>Wendy Testaburger worked diligently on her homework in the school library during recess. There weren't many other students around so it was much easier to get work done.<p>

The door to the library opened but she didn't look up. It was probably just the librarian coming back, and she was in the zone. She erased a mistake on her paper and corrected it.

Wendy furrowed her brow when she heard the seat next to her being pulled out. Out of the corner of her eye she saw a flash of red indicating that someone had sat down next to her.

She didn't let it disrupt her, though. She kept writing, but the person next to her cleared their throat. She frowned and her pencil froze. She didn't doubt who it was that was sitting next to her, and when she looked up, her fears were confirmed: Eric Cartman had decided to interrupt her work flow. She glared at him.

"What do _you _want?" Wendy asked angrily.

Cartman smiled at her knowingly. "I could ask you the same thing, _Wendy_," Cartman said.

Wendy set down her pencil and crossed her arms. "What are you on about, Cartman?"

Cartman peered down at her assignment. "Doing a little bit of writing, huh? Is that for the history essay?"

Wendy sighed. "Yes. Is that all? I'd like to get back to work if you don't mind."

Cartman nodded. "That's cool, that's cool. Well, I'm very flattered, Wendy, but we went down this road once before and it just didn't work out. I hope you don't take it too hard."

Wendy gaped at him. "What the _fuck _are you talking about?"

The librarian reprimanded Wendy with an irritated "sh." Wendy rolled her eyes in response.

Cartman leaned closer to Wendy, a cocky grin on his face. "That card you left in my locker, Wends."

Wendy laughed out loud, earning an angry look from the librarian. "Trust me, Eric, I'd never put a card in your locker. I hate you, remember?"

Cartman raised an eyebrow. "You didn't hate me when you kissed me once upon a time," he reminded her.

Wendy groaned. "Ugh, don't remind me. You're an arrogant, uncaring, sexist, racist, bigoted fat ass. I don't like you. I didn't leave a card in your locker. Now go _away_."

Cartman pulled an envelope out of his backpack. "Well, your handwriting says differently!" Cartman argued, holding the envelope up next to Wendy's essay. The handwriting didn't match up, leaving Cartman stumped. "Oh."

Wendy picked up her essay and put it in her backpack. "'Oh' is right, Cartman. I don't know who _did _put a card in your locker, but whoever it was is out of their minds. You're the last person that deserves to have someone on Valentine's Day," she snarled as she walked out of the library.

Cartman leaned back in his chair completely perplexed. He had been so sure that it was Wendy still harboring feelings for him, but after their encounter he couldn't think of where to start again.

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><p>Cartman entered the boys' bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror. He wasn't going to give up. He needed to know who left that card in his locker, he wouldn't rest until he found them and exposed them for the pussy that they were for leaving it anonymous.<p>

Suddenly, Cartman realized that someone else was in the bathroom with him. He frowned at one of the stalls, where he could clearly hear someone crying.

"Why do I have to be such a dummy," he heard them mutter miserably.

Cartman walked over to the stall and pushed the door open. "…Butters?" Cartman questioned.

Butters jumped up off the toilet in surprise, and luckily his pants weren't down. Cartman stared at him questioningly.

"Oh, uh, I bet you're wondering why I'm crying," Butters said as he wiped his tears off of his cheeks.

"Honestly I don't give a crap," Cartman told him honestly. "Why didn't _you _put anything in my bag, asshole?"

Butters clasped his hands together and looked around nervously. "I, uh, well, I, um…"

"_Well_?" Cartman urged angrily.

"I had one written out…you know, because we're supposed to make one for everybody…" Butters began.

"Well what happened?" Cartman snapped.

"Craig told us not to."

Cartman balled his hands into fists. "That little butthole! Did he say why?"

Butters shrugged. "He said he wanted this Valentine's Day to be _extra _special for you."

Cartman smirked. "Oh really? Wow, Craig, huh? I never would've figured him…"

Butters frowned. "What?"

Cartman backed away and let the stall door swing shut. "Oh nothing, don't worry yourself over it. I have to go pay Craig a little visit. Have fun crying your eyes out, Butters, don't mind me," Cartman said smugly as he marched out of the bathroom.

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><p>"Token, I'm open!" Kyle called out as he ran ahead of Craig, arms outstretched. Token tossed him the ball and he caught it easily.<p>

A sort distance away, Stan and Wendy sat together on the swings and talked, a small heart shaped box of chocolates in Wendy's hands.

"Touchdown!" Kyle exclaimed. Craig frowned and crossed his arms while Token and Kyle celebrated their score. Clyde rubbed at his eyes, trying not to cry over losing while Kenny just stood by and watched, not really caring either way.

A slow clap caught the attention of all of the football players on the playground. Kyle and Craig glared at Cartman, the source of the applause, while the others just stared at him in confusion.

"Nicely played, Kyle, nicely played," Cartman complimented. "Well Craig, I hope you're happy with yourself."

Craig stared. "I don't know what you're talking about," he replied, deadpan.

"Oh don't play dumb with me, Craig! Butters told me everything!" Cartman said with a smirk.

"Oh yeah?" Craig replied, stepping towards the fat boy. "Happy Valentine's Day, fat boy."

"I'm awfully flattered, Craig, but I'm sorry I don't feel the same way," Cartman said gently. He walked up to a bewildered Craig and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder with a sigh. "There are plenty of other boys out there like you I'm sure, just not me."

Craig shook off Cartman's hand and stepped back. "What the hell are you talking about?" Craig snarled.

"No, seriously, stop it. The game's over, I know it was you that left that card in my locker," Cartman accused him.

Kyle looked over at Craig, shocked. Craig looked back at him. "What?" Craig snapped. "You don't honestly believe him, do you?"

"No!" Kyle assured him.

"Good," Craig said, relieved, before turning his furious glare back on Cartman. "I don't know what Butters is on, but I would never try to do anything that made you happy."

Cartman looked around at everyone. His eyes found Kenny. "Kenny?" He asked. "Buddy, was it you?"

Kenny looked away.

Cartman frowned. "Fine then, you bunch of pricks! I'll find out who gave me that card, and then I'll expose you for the wuss that you are! You can't hide from me!"

Cartman ran back into the school.

Kyle and Craig glanced at each other again, and Token rolled his eyes.

"Come on, let's play again," Token said, and the playground activity resumed.


	3. Butters Learns How to Get Chicks

**A/N: **This chapter is a little shorter than the last one, but this was the place I wanted to leave it off at. I like writing for Mr. Garrison…I hope I captured him well. I don't write for him often, so I'm always a bit curious of whether or not I keep him in character.

The B-plot of the story is more obvious in this chapter, and it's another mystery I suppose for now…it won't stay that way for long, though. You'll find out who that is soon, but the person who left the card in Cartman's locker won't be officially revealed until the final chapter :). Enjoy! I'd love to hear your comments!

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><p>Mr. Garrison strolled into his fourth grade classroom, only to be surprised to find Butters Stotch alone at his desk. Mr. Garrison stared at the young blonde boy, who had obviously been crying, and groaned internally as he decided he should probably do the teacher thing and find out what was wrong.<p>

"What the hell are you doing in here, Butters? It's supposed to be your recess time," Mr. Garrison prodded.

Butters sighed and stared down at his desk. "I don't really feel like playing."

Mr. Garrison pulled up a chair. "Why not? What's so awful about your life that you feel like you have to come in here and cry about it?"

Butters looked up at him. "Mr. Garrison, how do you get a girl to like you?"

Mr. Garrison frowned. "I don't know if you remember but I'm gay."

"K-kinda hard to forget about that," Butters assured him. "But you were a woman for a while, you have to know something."

Mr. Garrison frowned. "Well I do know one thing. A guy that dresses like you isn't going to get any poontang until he's 40, that's what I know." He stood up. "And do something with your hair for Christ's sake."

Butters stared after his teacher as he left the classroom. Butters looked down at his desk sadly, all alone again.

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><p>Kenny and Stan immediately jumped off the bus after school, and Kyle dragged Cartman off the bus a minute later.<p>

"Jeez, Kyle, let go," Cartman muttered.

"What is up with you?" Kyle asked, annoyed.

"Nothing is up with me!" Cartman snapped.

"You almost forgot to get off at our stop!" Kyle reminded him.

"Is this still about that card you got in your locker?" Stan asked as they all began walking home together. "Come on, dude, let it go."

"No!" Cartman refused. "I won't let such cowardice stand!"

Kenny rolled his eyes. "Oh shut up," he mumbled.

"Hey!" Cartman yelled. "You shut up, Kenny! You're supposed to be my best friend and you didn't give me anything today either! I'd expect that from Kyle and Stan, but not from you!"

Kenny shrugged. "The girls would've thought I was lame if I had gone against Craig's idea."

"What happened to bros before hoes?" Cartman growled.

Kenny ignored him, causing Cartman to stop in his tracks. "Fine! I don't need you Kenny! I don't need any of you!"

They all continued walking without a backwards glance. Cartman sighed and looked down at the ground, seemingly in defeat.

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><p>Kenny lounged on his bed flipping through his latest edition of Maxim. He sighed contentedly as his eyes roamed the hot body of a brunette.<p>

"Kenny! One of your little friends is here to see you!" Carol yelled.

Kenny lazily closed the magazine and slipped off the bed. He ran through the hallway towards the front door to see Butters standing in his house. He frowned in confusion.

Butters had his coat unbuttoned with a black wife-beater beneath and his hair was gelled. A gold chain adorned his neck. Kenny stared at him for a good long moment before bursting into laughter.

"K-Kenny," Butters began, ignoring Kenny's behavior. "I need your h-help on something."

"I'd say so," Kenny agreed between chortles.

Butters fidgeted with his hands again. "Kenny, how do you get girls to like you?"

Kenny arched an eyebrow curiously before leading Butters outside. Since they were alone, Butters decided to continue.

"There's this girl, and I wanted to ask her to be my v-valentine today, but I just couldn't do it," Butters confessed, looking down at the ground.

Kenny placed a hand on his shoulder. "Give her compliments, lots and lots of compliments." He smiled beneath his hood. "Chicks love compliments!"

Butters brightened. "Like, I should tell her that her eyes are pretty?"

"Yeah!" Kenny exclaimed. "Don't just stop there, compliment anything and everything."

Butters grinned. "Gee, thanks Kenny! You're a real pal!"

Butters ran off and Kenny waved before heading back inside to continue flipping through his Maxim.

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><p>That night, Kyle was roused from his sleep to an odd noise. He squinted in the darkness at the door and didn't see anything. He remained still as he tried to identify the sound. It didn't take long.<p>

It was the sound of rustling paper.

Kyle bolted upright into a sitting position and saw Cartman just beyond the foot of his bed with a flashlight, an envelope, and his bag of valentines.

"What the hell are you doing in here Cartman?" Kyle hissed, trying to stay as quiet as possible.

Cartman froze like a deer in headlights. "Well…uh, Kyle…I was just checking to see if you got the valentine I made for you. I might have accidentally skipped your bag."

Kyle's eyes narrowed. "You're full of shit," he declared. "You're comparing the writing on that envelope with the handwriting on the valentines!"

Cartman's eyes shifted around before settling on Kyle again. "Maybe…"

"Why did you have to break into my house?" Kyle growled, his voice raising.

"Well Kyle, it's like this, see…" Cartman began.

"Stop it, don't even start. There's no way you could justify breaking into my house."

Cartman rubbed his chin. "Perhaps not, Kyle. But I'm not going to stop until I find the person that put this in my locker."

"Why is it so important? I thought Valentine's Day was a stupid holiday?" Kyle asked furiously.

"It is a stupid holiday! I just need to teach that pussy a lesson!" Cartman replied heatedly.

"And what that lesson is that?" Kyle muttered between gritted teeth.

"Anonymity is for douche bags."

Kyle was absolutely fuming. "Get the fuck out of my house!"

Cartman stood and backed up towards the window, hands up in surrender. "Fine, fine…I couldn't find a match anyway!"

As Cartman climbed out the window, Kyle glared at the sky. But there was a sudden thud and an outcry of "Ouch, son of a bitch!"

Kyle smirked with satisfaction and then returned to his sleep.


End file.
